This is a re-telling of the original story… it seems to have been an assignment from her writing class to re-visit a previous story. It is vastly changed from the original.
Erin Danhi
16 December 2010
Just Bob
My name isn’t Robert…it’s just Bob. Don’t ask me why because I couldn’t say. I never knew my Mom and Dad. They gave me up before my Mom even checked out of the hospital. I can only guess they saw a problem with raising a deaf kid. So I spent my childhood in the care of Love and Hope Christian Adoption Services and School.
Once I told anyone, “I’m not Robert…it’s Just Bob,” it stuck. It bothered me to be called “Just Bob” back in the day of Love and Hope. I felt like my abandoned brethren were saying, “Oh…there’s merely Bob” or “Don’t take note, it’s only Bob.” I guess it was true. There wasn’t anything special about me except my special needs. Not exactly adoptee-of-the-month material. I never got adopted. I stayed at Love and Hope until the exact day that I turned 18.
Growing up in strictly Christian surroundings shaped me and gave me a meaning for “Just Bob.” “Just” means righteous and I wanted to be “Righteous Bob.” I believed in doing the right thing. I believed that my imperfect beginning somehow made me a better person, a stronger person. I believed that being unable to hear was in some way a gift. However things were, are, or ended up being, I believed that God wanted it that way. I just went with the flow and tried to do the right thing.
None of that matters though. None if it is important. All I know is that everything of any importance happened yesterday.
I thought meeting my now wife, Kim, was important. After getting the boot from Love and Hope, I made for Calvary Christian College. This was a long time ago…twenty years ago, to be exact. Anyway, I was running late for class. I mean real late. I had to run full steam from my car to the lecture hall. Being late for a class that seated over an hundred students was not good. See, I needed to sit in the front so I could read the Professor’s lips. I was way too late for that. Instead, I took the only remaining seat, way in the back, right next to Kim. I remember thinking at that very moment that I was seeing God’s plan for me unfolding. One seat left in an overflowing Philosophy class next to a beautiful girl? It seemedlike destiny.
So I took that seat next to her and I guess I looked like Hell after my half mile sprint to class because she blurted out, “You look awful!” Of course, I couldn’t hear her and I hadn’t been looking at her. I just happened to look up shortly after she insulted me to find a handful of students in the vicinity looking at me with dumb smiles on their faces. I just looked away. I didn’t know what else to do.
I managed to redeem myself unknowingly the next day. I got to school ahead of schedule so I wasn’t dripping sweat when I walked into class. I’m a decent looking man when my hair isn’t matted to my skull. Kim looked at me and smiled. I tried to smile a smile at her that didn’t reveal how hard my heart was knocking in my chest or how jello-like my knees suddenly felt. She was more beautiful than Eve.
I wanted to take her out to dinner more than I wanted to stare at my Professor’s lips, unable to disregard the mounting piles of white spittle accumulating in the corners. I scribbled on a piece of paper, “My name is Bob. I’d like to take you to dinner tonight” and passed it to her. She took a long time writing her response and I started to get nervous. When she passed it back it said, “I’m Kim” and she’d drawn an arrow in between “dinner” and “tonight” and added “and a movie of your choice followed by a walk on the beach.” I remember grimacing a little at that, but I was too excited that she’d basically accepted my offer to care about her forwardness.
As I was driving to pick her up, I realized that she had no idea that I was deaf. Our only communication was written. She hadn’t heard the way I talk which would have been a dead giveaway. I felt guilty…like I had told a lie by omission. I had to tell her right away…before we left on our date. She had the right to know what she might be getting herself into.
As I pulled up, I could see her sharing a goodnight kiss with some guy. She waved at me before she’d even disconnected her lips from his. My thighs ached from a sudden flood of anger induced adrenaline and my ears felt like they were on fire. She skipped from the arms of one man into the car of another. As she sat down, she said, “Hey!” with a sincere smile on her face. I felt the anger rush out of me. I mean, we weren’t married. She had the right to date more than one man, I guess.
I took her hand and said, “Look, Kim. You need to know that I’m deaf. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. It’s been a while since I had new people in my life.”
“Oh. Like how deaf?” she asked with a serious look.
I felt my heart drop. “Completely, but I can read lips! It’s never been a problem. I just have to look at you when you talk. Simple as that, okay?” I said, watching her facial expression. It didn’t change.
“That’s okay,” she said. “I guess we can just skip the movie.” She looked sad now.
“No! Don’t worry about it,” I said, laughing nervously. “You can just tell me what I might’ve missed on our walk later.”
“Yeah, I guess.” She slumped against the passenger door, looking at her last date getting into his car as I took her away.
“So, um, who was that guy?” I asked, trying to sound as if I didn’t actually care.
“Oh, that’s Tom. You showed up a little early and caught us in the act,” she said and giggled.
I didn’t ask any more questions about Tom.
Dinner was easy. We sat facing each other so I could watch her rouge colored lips tell me all about herself. Man, did she like to talk about herself, but I was too enamored with her to care. She was just so damned beautiful. A few times, I had to gently push her napkin clad hand away from her lips while she spoke. She just giggled and said, “Oh yeah, I forgot.” We found we had some things in common. She was orphaned as a child, but she was adopted by a good Christian family. She wanted to start a family like that I just wanted any family at all.
It was pretty obvious to me that she struggled with her spirituality, though. I wish I’d been reasonable enough to realize that I couldn’t change her, but I thought…I really did…that God had sent her to me to fix.
Some weeks later, I found out I didn’t have a choice but to be with her regardless. On that first date, we’d gotten a little carried away with our goodnight kiss. She smelled so good and felt so right. My excitement made me hard and she pressed against it. She took me upstairs and…well…I lost my virginity to her. I prayed every night to God to forgive me for having sex out of wedlock. His answer came in the form of Nathan, our son. We got married in short order and when Nathan was born, we told Kim’s family he was a bit premature. I think that was the right thing to do. The next twenty years went by and none of us was struck by lightning or swarmed on by locusts. Nothing exceptionally good happened either. We lived our life by the good book.
Here’s the really important thing. I was on my way home from work yesterday and traffic was crawling. I imagined the scene from God’s view. It must’ve looked like a slow moving metallic caterpillar inching along between strips of grass. Kim was pretty serious about me letting her know exactly when I would be home, especially last night. It was Nathan’s last night home from Art School and Kim wanted to prepare a great last supper.
Stopped completely for several minutes now, I felt around the passenger seat for my cell phone so I could text Kim my ETA. It wasn’t there. I glanced over and saw part of it exposed under a pile of papers on the passenger side floor board. Odd. Clutching the steering wheel with one hand, foot still on the brake, I bent over the center console to fish the phone out. I knew right away it wasn’t the right thing to do.
I sat up. The traffic in front of me had parted like the Red Sea. The cars had piled onto the embankment and the median. What the Hell was going on? People had gotten out of their cars. Some were emphatically waving me over while others pointed off behind me. They were yelling at me, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying at that distance. I was becoming increasingly frightened. It was all I could do to muster up the courage to look into my rearview mirror.
I watched as the commercial sized airplane attempted to land on the freeway just five hundred yards behind me. Suddenly, my brain yelled, “DRIVE!” and I floored the accelerator. My tires spun pointlessly and the burning rubber from my tires soon mingled in the air with the burnt rubber from the aircraft landing gear. My tires finally bit into the asphalt and the car lunged forward. I raced up the freeway, but I wasn’t going fast enough. The vibration from the approaching plane grew more intense.
Soon, I was finding it difficult to control the car because the vibration from the careening airplane was shaking everything. It felt like my seat was trying to buck me from it like a cowboy from a bronco. I panicked, slammed on the brakes, and jerked the car to the right. As the right engine of the plane narrowly passed overhead, I was spinning out and probably screaming too. I connected with a support column for the onramp. My head ricocheted from the right to left, whacking into the driver side window. I passed out.
The next thing I heard…the first thing I ever heard…was the paramedics shouting their medical jargon while they stood over me. I opened my eyes.
“Sir, are you okay? Can you hear me?”
“Yeah…I can. I can hear you.” I started to cry. What a blessing, I thought.
I had a welt on the side of my head, but it didn’t bleed. I’d pretty much wrecked the driver’s side of the car, but it was still drivable. The representatives from the airline told me they’d be replacing my car and gave their heartfelt apologies, but I didn’t need it. I was overjoyed at the gift the accident had given me…that I believed God had given me.
I couldn’t wait to get home. In my mind, I kept rehearsing telling Kim and Nathan about my gift giving accident. I thanked God over and over. Suddenly, I realized I had a voice in my head that probably sounded nothing like my real voice. I was scared to hear it, though. I started by humming a little bit. That wasn’t so bad. I looked at the radio in my car and turned it on for the first time ever. The voice of disk jockey, Rick Dees, came on. I both marveled and laughed at his voice. I found a gospel station. “You Raise Me Up” was on and I knew every word so turned it up loudly and sang along, unable to hear myself. Nearing the last verse, I turned the volume button way down and surprised myself with my own voice. I could hear the difference between my voice and Rick Dees’. It seemed to involve a lot more of my tongue and throat, but I was pleased anyway. I couldn’t wait to tell Kim and Nathan.
I parked my car outside and skipped to the door. As I skipped, my keys jingled. I clutched them for a moment against my heart and let it wash over me. I slid my house key into the lock, but stopped short of turning the knob. I thought, wouldn’t it be a fabulous idea to suddenly spring my newfound hearing on them? Rather than just telling them, I’ll wait until one of them asks a question when I’m not looking and then answer it. Yes! This is going to be momentous!
When I opened the door, Kim and Nathan were already standing there. Nathan looked nervous, but smiled. Kim looked angry.
“Where have you been? It’s almost 9 o’clock,” she said and put her back to me. “It’s this kind of complete disregard for my feelings and my plans that makes me wonder why I married him, Nathan! He’s so selfish.”
I nearly spoke up to defend myself, but then realized I wasn’t supposed to have heard that last part. They went into the kitchen while I sat out of sight at the dining table.
“You married him because you were pregnant with me, Mom,” I heard him say. “But I’m grown up now. You don’t have to stay with him if you don’t want to.”
What? I come home a couple of hours late and we’re hinging on divorce?
“Thank you, sweetheart. You’re a good son. Are you going to tell him about you yet?”
What about you, Nathan? If you’re failing out of that ridiculously overpriced Art School, I’m going to flip my lid.
“I don’t know. I’m afraid he’ll cut me off. I can’t finish school if he won’t pay for it.”
“Oh, honey, you know I’d never let that happen. You’re my precious boy. When I divorce him, I’ll give you half of whatever I get,” she said. They both laughed.
Is she serious? How long has she wanted to leave me? What is Nathan keeping from me that’s going to be so threatening to our relationship? Who are these people?
They walked into the dining room carrying meatloaf, green beans, and mushroom risotto. They wore smiles that looked sincere, but I suddenly didn’t trust them. They sat across from me and Kim led the first prayer I ever heard.
After grace, before I could bring my hands all the way down, she carefully mouth at me, “So Bob, what kept you?”
“I, um, was in a car accident. No big deal. I was trying to text you, but that’s kind of how it happened.”
“Oh, I see. Well, I’m glad you’re okay,” she said. She lifted her napkin to cover her mouth and said, “Do you hear that, Nathan? He’s trying to blame me for his car accident! How low can you get?”
“Real glad you weren’t hurt, Dad.” Nathan turned to the side and bent down to pretend to tie his shoe. “Yeah, I caught that. See, I can’t tell him. He’ll flip out and make me feel like it’s my fault that I am the way I am.”
Are the way you are? You mean secretive and in some kind of pact with your mother to rob me? Yeah, I’m flipping out alright.
I took a few deep breaths and stuffed some meatloaf into my mouth. I could feel my ears and cheeks burning. Hopefully they wouldn’t notice. As much as I wanted to lash out at the both of them, I couldn’t help but think there was more to learn at the dinner table.
“So Nathan, how’s school going?” Kim asked.
“Oh, it’s great.”
“Made any special friends?”
Nathan took a bite so he could cover his mouth. “Not now, Mom. I just can’t do this right now.”
“Oops! Forgot the butter for the beans,” she said and walked into the kitchen. From there she spoke to Nathan, “Like I said, I would never let your Dad cut you off financially. Besides, Tom is really proud of you for coming out.” She walked back in with butter and sat down.
Coming out? Of the closet?! That’s unnatural, dammit!
Nathan elbowed his knife off the table. “Oops.” He bent down to retrieve it and said to Kim, “Yes, I know that, but Tom doesn’t pay for my school. Lord knows he should.”
Tom? As in “caught you in the act” on our first date Tom? What does he have to do with anything?
I forked some risotto into my mouth and stared down at my plate.
“Watch it, Nathan. You know he tries to help out as much as he can. He’s a shiftless dreamer and he’s always on hard times. That’s why I chose your Dad instead of Tom. I knew your Dad would provide for us. I was just glad he came along when he did. Any later and I couldn’t have convinced him you were his.”
I choked on my food and coughed it out onto my plate. Small pieces were still lodged in my throat and I continued to cough. I tore away from the table and went to the bathroom.
I looked at myself in the mirror. Over my shoulder was a family portrait we’d taken just months before. I looked at Nathan’s face then at mine. The quicker I looked back and forth, the starker the differences were. Nathan looked nothing like me.
I left the bathroom and went straight to the living room. I sat in my favorite chair and turned on the TV. The closed captions came on automatically. I stared through the news anchors relaying the insanity on the freeway that I’d been front and center for. Nathan and Kim came in. Kim handed me a can of beer and they sat on the couch to the side and slightly behind me. I wondered how many years they’d been holding secret court on that couch. I swallowed half the beer in one draught.
“It was good to see Tom again. Thanks for having him over, Mom.”
“No trouble at all. Truthfully, he comes over from time to time, if you catch my drift.”
Oh, I do.
I took the last swig from my beer and crushed the can in my hand. Kim and Nathan looked at me. I didn’t exactly shield my anger. My face could have conveyed any number of things, though. I stared into their eyes as I set the mangled beer can down on the table in front of them. They looked back at me, confused. I relaxed back into my chair and stared mindlessly at the TV.
“What was that about?” Nathan asked.
“I have no idea, honey.”
“He’s acting real weird. Glad I didn’t pick tonight to introduce him to my boyfriend then.” They both laughed.
Still staring at the TV, I laughed too. I thought I might be losing my mind.
The news ended and Kim and Nathan headed to bed. She kissed me on my forehead and I swear it burned. I turned the TV off, sat in the dark, and cried. Between sobs, I pleaded with God to turn things back again. I’d play house with this family I don’t really have if He would just wipe my memory and take back my hearing. Nothing happened. I fell asleep begging for God to help me. I woke up this morning in my favorite chair and I could hear Kim on her phone with Tom. I could hear Nathan on his phone with his boyfriend. It was all still there. Rather than the anguish someone might I expect, I was gripped by the first empowering feeling of my life. I am in control of my life. I choose my path because there is no God. There’s just Bob.