29. In the year before she died, Erin lost her job at Trader Joe’s because she was found drinking in the parking lot at work. This was when I found out that she had become and alcoholic and, to be honest, I’m ashamed to admit that it came as a complete shock to me. I’d had no idea that this was going on, and while my shame causes me to take this to mean that I was a bad, inattentive husband, I know that part of it was just how good Erin was at keeping her issues hidden from others. For example, she had been bulimic for many periods of her life while we were together, going into the bathroom to purge her food, and I had no idea about it until she told me. With the alcohol, apparently she’d been drinking steadily throughout the day, not enough to get noticeably drunk, but just enough to keep a buzz going and to make it easier for her to go on throughout the day. I came to find out that there were bottles of alcohol hidden throughout the apartment and that the whole time I was away at work she would be taking regular sips from a bottle of vodka. When she lost her job, she checked herself into a rehabilitation clinic in California that specialized in “dual diagnosis,” since by that time she had been diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder. The rehab was so good for her and she came out feeling revitalized, with a new purpose and sense of self, dedicated to self-improvement and recovery. She threw herself wholeheartedly into the 12-step program, going to meetings as often as she could and becoming very involved in the community, there. She also made huge strides in therapy, where she went once a week for treatment for her BPD. I saw her grow and progress so much over the 7 months that she spent in treatment and recovery until just before her suicide. This medallion, found in a wooden “prayer box” where she put meditative and aspirational messages she wrote, is her newcomer chip and for me it represents the progress and growth she experience in her time after losing her job at TJ’s.
What a beautiful way to honor Erin on her birthday. Thank you for continuing to keep her spirit alive and always sharing your love for her. Your words are genuine and thoughtful, something she always appreciated. The coffee mugs were a Christmas gift from me, with the thought you guys would each have one. She could not wait to use them, Lol. The pure vulgarity alone was enough to make that mug her favorite! Love you Aaron, I think of you, and her every day. -Jen
Thank you, Jen! I thought they were a gift and I’m happy to know they were from you. I’m keeping her vulgarity alive and still using that mug these days. I love and think about you, too, and I know that she lives on in your heart, so thank you for keeping her spirit alive, as well.